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The Darkest Time of Year

Christmas has never been the same for me, ever since December 1994. Being the father of two young daughters has helped bring some of the magic of the season back, but it’s this month that I’m always reminded of the darkest moment of my life.

It was during a December, 11 years ago, that I hit rock bottom. And it was then that I nearly lost all hope.

I’ve written and said this before, and I’ll keep on writing and saying it, even if no one is reading or listening. From the time I left home for college at 18 until shortly before turning 30, my life was one disastrous mistake after another, escalating to a tumultuous plummet, straight down to a pit of despair filled with darkness, depression and relentness anxiety.

There are only two things that I accomplished during my 20’s that I can honestly be proud of: 1) returning to and graduating from college, and 2) serving an honorable enlistment in the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve.

EVERYTHING else (and I do mean everything) was nothing more than mistakes and failures. I even had the opportunity at being a father, and I blew that to pieces. Mostly I have no one else to blame except myself.

A few people tried to offer help and give me advice. However, most were only too happy to see me fall. That’s the catch-22 of being on your way to the basement of existence. Most of the people you journey there with are either falling with you, or by their very nature, are permanent bottom-feeders.

The natural assumption is that those suffering through depression and anxiety can always fall back on those closest to them - their families. But sometimes those are the very people who either inadvertently grease the tracks for your downward skid, mostly out of ignorance, or they’re only too happy to purposely push you over the edge, usually by playing to your fears and weaknesses. That’s a misguided behavior that arises out of their own selfish motives, greed and/or insecurity.

I’ve found that with depression and other forms of mental illness, it is not those who confront it and get help that you need to worry about. It’s those who fail to admit to their own challenges, and refuse the help of others, who cause the most pain and suffering. I know because I’ve been to that place.

I barely made out of December 1994 alive. It was by the grace of God and the help of some caring strangers that I began seeing a light at the top and regain the strength to begin my climb up. But it hasn’t been easy.

Neither has it been easy to be a husband and father, but I know now that the blessings that are the most valuable are those which require constant love and care.

It may have been easy to stay single, but I’m convinced that being a husband and father is the natural progression toward a fulfilled and healthy life of your typical adult male.

What are such people going to say when they are in their final moments of life ? “Gee, I wish I had spent just a few more nights at the bar,” or “if only I would have made vice president of human resources” of “if I only could have gotten into that club.”

I could be wrong, but I think a more common refrain is “I wish I could have more time to be with the ones I love.”

An email came to me yesterday with the line “people should use things and love people and not use people and love things.” That pretty much sums up what I want to communicate with this message.

My Decembers are becoming slowly brighter with each year that goes by. My wife and children have been most responsible for bringing that light back. However, there’s still those lingering reminders of darkness, humiliation and failure.

One the reasons why I so willingly share my story with others, and so publicly, is due to my faith in the inherent goodness of helping others. If I can help just one person avoid the mistakes that caused my pain and suffering, then in some small way it was worth going through the experience. You see, that’s the way God works - through each one of us. But only if we allow him.